my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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