Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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