i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
