When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
These tits shall not be calmed
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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