party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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