Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
