My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
