Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
He passed out mid-signature
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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