I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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