I'm laying in your front yard are you home
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
