Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
