i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
