I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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