im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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