did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
