apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
