Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
