I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
