I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
