It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Im part way to drunk.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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