THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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