I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
