Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Can you bring me the toilet please
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
