Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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