he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
