You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
