mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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