Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize