Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
