yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize