i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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