uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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