ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize