I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
