Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
