look no pants
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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