so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
