if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
