You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
