My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
