i already hear my dad disowning me
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
