I must be too annoying 4 u.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
