can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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