i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
