Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
