I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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