Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
