I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
