sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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