You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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