Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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