Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
