I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
