Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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